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Post by B.o.B. on Nov 23, 2014 13:12:24 GMT -8
B.o.B. took the annoying green wave once more. B.o.B:"...Sorry to burst you bubble but just about everyone can do that..." As Mirrors imitation break wave and mysterious aura crash onto the halo aura and destroy it. "Have you forgotten the SE you gave me after out first match? Plus I don't think you understand my moves as well as you think...and one more thing this match is mine my friend" B.o.B. says moving in towards Mirror swinging its left arm, a string of data flies out to hit Mirror, just before it reaches Mirror a massive stone cube appears almost out of thin air still rocketing towards Mirror. "That's how you really use that one, much quicker!" still moving towards Mirror "I also regret that you have let this drag on far too long!" as B.o.B. punches Mirror with all of its force, having finished analyzing Mirror's data structure, striking at the prefect weak point. 5/5
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Post by B.o.B. on Nov 24, 2014 17:38:20 GMT -8
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Post by Vilicious on Nov 24, 2014 20:19:17 GMT -8
JUDGMENT
Starting with the smaller bits -
Length
Mirror: [10/10] I have some comments on where you could go with this in Style/Articulation, but all in all your posts were never too short or ran longer than they had to.
BoB: [6/10] I'll tackle one of my (technically) style/articulation comments here: The spacing in your posts is deceiving. Because of the lack of breaks it's a little more difficult to compare to your opponent, and makes the reading a little more obtuse... note that in any book you pick up there are breaks for subject change, pace change, spoken words and the actions surrounding, and there are paragraph indents to demarcate these things.
Perhaps make it a matter of practice to work on how you want to space and pace your words, but I highly recommend trying it.
Emotion
Both: [4/10] It was there, but I wasn't really feeling it =X Exclamation marks on speech isn't really emotion inducing: Friends fighting can be the grounds for great interaction, accidents, some personal banter deeper than "Pff, old trick" or "I know better", and a break in the action for consideration of each other. Maybe if one goes to ground, the other helps them up?
Balance
BoB: [17/20] Area quakes aren't really a version 1 thing.
Mirror: [20/20] So adherent to the system it was balanced, but the same actually hurt your style.
Style & Articulation & Judge Points
Don't quite have the energy to do what I did for Phen/Div, but if you pester me I can give more in-depth feedback. I think there'll be comments for both of you in both assessments, so read both.
(Post-typing edit: I actually was going to make a disclaimer (Found the disclaimer) about not being able to go so in-depth with this but got really into it.)
Mirror: [35/60] Wholly, as with balance, it wasn't bad. Just... again, seemed very rigid to the system and so both style and articulation came up flat. Action consisted of (for both) take damage, avoid, counter, punch, energy, summon. There was, off the top of my head, 1 mention of positioning? Only bits involving the area were of the whole place or the objects placed there.
Expand horizons: The RP battlefield doesn't have to necessarily be as confining as the Stats arena, nor does it need to be nonstop action or limited to two dimensions. Think of it as a 4x strategy game vs a fighting game: In stats your goal is to use your particular style to eliminate an opponent. In RP, you gain factors to include having an emotional spectrum, infinite space and possibilities for battlegrounds, the combat and its tactics, as well as weather, words, deceit, interplay, and every nuance of those.
Grammatically, there was a subject change in your first battle post ([...] between himself and B.o.B. he smashes his giant fist down on top of him!)and a tense issue (opening line is all), so keep that aspect up 100%.
Bob: [30/60] You've come a ways since you joined, but there's still more to go. Dunno if anybody's ever addressed some of these, so I'll just do the rundown:
Mixed style: Not judging on the text color bits, and this was only a 2 point deduction out of the 60 so don't fret on that end. I could assume the deeper blue was thought, but for speech itself I noticed you'll do script style "BoB:" and then in the next line or two switch to " 'words' Bob said". For consistency's sake and readability, it may be prudent to pick one and stick with it, and from there work on spacing as I mentioned above. It doesn't even have to be the same between characters (personally I do script on NPCs/Capcoms, then stylize my own and try to make each different... it's a pain sometimes).
Run-ons/Fragments: "[...] and he made it[.] Unfortunately, BoB had seen this before." I don't know if anybody else cares as much as I do about these things, but run-ons and fragments drive me nuts when reading. Read how you speak! If there's a break, break the sentence. If the sentence doesn't make sense, make it make sense. Changing "gathering" to "gathered" changes the subject from either "the materials" or "data phisher" to "it" and maintains tense (possessive it is just its, no apostrophe, btw). Without that change, again, data phisher is the subject and there is no actionable verb left in the sentence. Shast is also a huge culprit in this.
RP itself: Basically, past format and articulation, what I said to Mirror applies to you as well. There's more to RP than attack/defend/speak! Keep up the good work, and never stop experimenting with your writing.
Overall!
Mirror: [69/100] B; 85/850 B.o.B.: [57/100] C; 45/450
Finish to round out your numbers w/ +5/+50 each
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Post by B.o.B. on Nov 24, 2014 20:37:59 GMT -8
B.o.B. staggers and then falls to its knees.
B.o.B:"well...it was a good fight as always my friend... you better win this whole thing or I'll give you grief for years about it...I concede..."
Then finally B.o.B. falls completely to the ground...
B.o.B. 50/500(x 4/4.25) = 200/2125
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Post by mirror on Nov 24, 2014 21:00:40 GMT -8
Seeing the battle had been won, and in his favor no less, MirrorMan walks over to his friend, helping him to his feet.
"No need to worry about me. I've got every intention of winning this. Of course, if I do lose it would be just what I expect of you to give me grief over it. I wouldn't be a very good friend if I beat you here only to let you down later."
He says this last sentence with a small laugh, and dematerializing his helmet flashes a smile.
"It was a good fight, I swore you had me there."
(OOC: Thanks for the pointers, Tox. Will claim rewards by editing this post tomorrow, on mobile right now and posting is always a pain, had to redo this twice already @_@)
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